Hey all, its been a little while since my last post. I've been working a ton and haven't had time to rant and rave about anything lately. But lucky for you I am stuck at work and have a few things on my mind.
First, I have officially been single (for the most part) for a year. To be perfectly honest, it's been a very interesting year. I have met and become strangers again to a few really interesting and nice guys. Also, in the course of the year of being somewhat single I have fallen for and had my heart broken (into a million shards) by someone whom I am still very fond of. That's right, I'm going to spill a little truth right now about how I've learned so much about dating crazy people.
My D-bag was first and foremost the most complicated yet utterly simple person that has ever walked into my life. Deep and hidden at times but mostly just a shallow goof ball. I won't go into great detail about him because I don't want to bore anyone, just know that he could probably charm the pants off of anyone with his wit and good looks. Anyway, D-bag has had my heart for about a year and has single-handedly changed my whole outlook on men and made me into a man hater for about eight months. How? Well, he's either scared of commitment or a horrible narcissistic sociopath... possibly both actually, even after knowing him for a year I still don't know. For a little under a year he has been toying with my emotions, using them to his advantage whenever possible. Because of him I have been unable to trust anyone when they say they have feelings for me, not to mention that anytime someone gets remotely close to me he some how reenters the picture and throws me into a tailspin. I ran into his muscular tattooed arms in my darkest times, when I was depressed, sad, lonely, horny, drunk and worst of all I ran to him when I was scared that someone was getting too close. He never, in my opinion, actually cared about my feelings or my needs. As long as we were hooking up at some point, he couldn't care less what came out of my mouth. I probably could have confessed to murder and he would've gone with it if I said it half naked. I actually liked that about him for a very long time. I could make a complete fool out of myself in front of him and he didn't care. Luckily, I realized that if someone could look past all the crazy things I've said or done that they didn't really care about me, it was the complete opposite and I deserved someone who would care about me enough to help me work through the crazy not just use it to their advantage.
My point to this sappy rant is that I've been single for a year and I am a completely different person. Recently I have been giving people way better advice than I have been taking for myself. So, my new goal is to give advice that I would actually take. I usually think very hard about what I say because I know that it is very hard to hear sometimes. Starting with my own problem, being addicted to someone who plays games with your emotions. WALK AWAY!! And before we get all "uumm... yeah, harder than it sounds" hear me out. Walking away from someone you care about, or in my case are addicted to, is very hard. So, how did I do it? DELETE EVERYTHING! I gave him a very simple good-bye then deleted his number and pictures. I know that I will miss him and I will think about him often, but I know that I can never move on and become a better person with him still involved with who I currently am. Giving myself space and time to breath is also how I have been able to rid myself from him. It won't be easy, and it wasn't easy getting to this point to where I could let go, but I knew it was time.
All in all so far so good. I know that I am strong and I can hold myself together when I miss him the most. The key is not to replace him with someone new, which took me a while to figure out, but to trust in myself and turn inward when I felt vulnerable and not run to him every time I was sad, depressed, or horny. Also, now when I'm scared of getting too close to someone I know that I have to work through it myself in a healthy way, not a destructive selfish way. Using him as a crutch is no longer an option if he is completely out of my life and phone contacts. So, if you take my advice and find it hard, don't worry you're not alone. It takes deep breathes and small steps to walk away from someone whom you truly love with all your heart.
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