NaNoWriMode

It's that time of year again!! I'll be trying to write a whole novel on 31 days! I'm also going to try to keep a blog while doing it! To keep everyone updated! 

Wish me luck! 

Long Time No Rant!

Hello All!

It has been a while, I know, but so much has happen to me in the last 6 or so months. Just for an up to date telling of my life:

January- My dad passed away after having cancer for a number of years
April- Found out I was 6 weeks pregnant
Beginning of May- Moved in with the boyfriend
Middle of May- Started school at Ball State
End of May- Found out I miscarried at 8 weeks on my 12 week doctors appointment
Beginning of June- D&C Surgery
Still Beginning of June- San Diego Trip to introduce bf to family
Month of July- Building Up Photo Portfolio (https://www.facebook.com/KLPhhotography please "Like" my Page)
Whole Month of August- Job Change, Fall Semester of School, Getting My Shit Together!!!

As you can see I have been very busy! And for a few friends who are reading this, a couple things might be news to you (wasn't feeling very chatty about a few things this year). I have been working through many emotional down falls but for the most part I feel like I am on the right path. The Panda (boyfriend) and I are living pretty happily together and have many plans for when I finally graduate with a Bachelors in Photojournalism from Ball State University :)!! Finally took the leap!!

It has taken me a long time to really be in a place comfortable enough to post a blog entry and I am sure everyone would agree that wasn't wrong of me to do. But I have to say that the beginning of this year is what really got my ass in gear to stop wasting time and actually enroll in school. I think about my dad everyday and even have a picture of him hanging from my rear-view mirror in my car to remind me that I need to LIVE and not let anything hold me back.

There are so many times that I wish I could just stay in bed all day but it wouldn't bring my dad back or my first unborn child. That term sounds very morbid, "unborn child", but I can't think of another way to put it, and I never understood what the term "empty arms" meant until recently when the sensation actually happen to me while talking to someone at work who had found out she was pregnant only a week or so after I did. It was truly as if I was holding all the feelings in my arms, swaddled up sweet and warm against my chest. Then a shattering feeling over took me, as if someone came running past me, snatched my bundle out of my grasp and ran away without a trace of where they had gone. I was heart broken the day the Doctor told me he couldn't find the heart beat but that day took all the remaining pieces and pounded them into dust which left me feeling hallow and empty.

It really does amaze me how one small event changes your whole life and there are times that you have no control over it. Someone asked me in a job interview not too long ago "What drives you?" and my response was "Life". Life drives me everyday to go out and be something more than I was last year... or even 6 months ago! I have something a little different than a "Bucket List", mostly because I don't like the idea of "Things to do before I die". In some ways I feel like I have already died in more ways than one, I never regretted anything and I tried to not let opportunities pass me by but this year I am not only letting things fall into my lap but I am going out there and making things happen for myself! Like going back to school, starting up my own photography business, and starting a new job.

I can't inspire anyone to do the same because no one else has lived through my experience or my view on my situation but I do wish people would at least take away from this post that you should LIVE and LIVE FOR YOURSELF!

Rant over.

Bedside Blogger #20

Here's a little tidbit that I just want to share:

Dust dancing in the sunlight streaming in through the small high window, the room stale with the smell of my own sweat and blood. He has been gone but moving from my spot on the concrete floor seems impossible. My knees are bruised and pounding from the pressure of my body, hands bleeding and dirty from catching my every fall and deflecting most of his vicious blows. Mascara tears have traveled down my red and purple cheeks the paths sting with every movement and flake away.
I could walk out the door, run down the street. Away from this place, away from him but where would I go? A shelter? My broken home? He would find me when he felt the want once again, hunting me down would only excite him more. Somehow, even though I hate him, the thought of his determination to own me gives me a feeling that resembles comfort or belonging.
No, I will not leave, instead I will stay and do as he wishes until he finds what he is looking for or kills me. In the morning he will wake up alone but he will be content, come into my room and clean my wounds and begin to soothe my equally tattered ego. So, until then, I will crawl up into my bed and try to dream of something other than the feeling of his breath on my neck, his grip on my hips, and the feeling of the floor crashing into me.

Bedside Blogger #19

Hello All!

I have recently joined a group of bloggers on Facebook and wanted to take a minute to post something new, since it has been way too long. https://www.facebook.com/groups/520236134666906/

What have I doing lately?

Seeing someone new (whom I fancy very much!), working too much, started to go back to the gym, trying to lose a few pounds (mostly to fit back into my jeans) and drinking too much!
I've also decided that along with Photojournalism I'd like to get into Editing as a career.
What its editing? Thanks for asking. Editing is the skill of reading someones work, channeling their writing voice and helping them make their work better, easier to understand, and not to mention correcting all the little mistakes that are made along the way.
Why do I want to do this? Well, three reasons. One, I really like to give people my opinion (even people who don't ask). Two, I would love to spend my whole day reading and writing and actually make money doing it. Three, and this is the most important, editors actually make money!! Like real money that they can live on and not have to worry about a true "boss" breathing down your neck.
From what I understand, I can do most of the work at home, in my pjs, then the rest I am working with writers and publishing departments. Really wish I would've fallowed my head and heart a lot sooner but everything happens for a reason. I wasn't wise enough or strong enough before this year that I took off of school. I know now that I needed to grow into my own person and be proud of myself and not live for anyone else's expectations but my own.

What are my goals for the next few weeks?

Write everyday. I'm still working on my own novel and need to move my progress along.
Go to the gym at least 10 times.
Not eat fast food.
Meditate often! I have been slacking on my reading and meditating on my Buddha way of life (mostly road rage).
Take a ton of pictures with my new camera(as of 12/25/12)
Prepare myself for school in the summer :)

Ok well, that is all that is going on with me for now! Thank you everyone for reading and keeping up with my crazy life!

Bedside Blogger #18 NaNoWriMo: My 50k In 30 Days

Ok everyone! If you didn't already know, its NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) 50K in 30 days!!

http://www.nanowrimo.org

I am currently at 8500 words and its getting tough to find the time but I'm trudging along. To give some insight and to procrastinate a little I wanted to give a description of my novel and throw in a little passage.

Erin is a twenty something college student, works as a waitress at a local bar during the nights and weekends while going to school for Biology (at the moment). Her friends and co-workers think that she is just a withdrawn person who doesn't like to be apart of a crowd but in reality she is a sub/dom sexually divalent. It is written from her point of view over a few months time where we find out her hunting patterns, a few kinky partners and how she become the promiscuous being that she is. We also have to hear, helplessly, the trouble she gets into and how it changes her whole world. Its a dirty, raunchy tale full of hot sex and big decisions. Here is a small passage:

As if it was a scene from a movie, the front door opens, the bar seems to fall silent, the air stagnant. His hair and eyes are dark like slate and are accompanied by a rugged jaw, shadowed with specks of red and brown that frame a perfect smile that could melt glass. I have acquired a new target, swaggering in with a presence that I could not rightly ignore, from across the bar I can see that his eyes have landed on me as well but he is distracted away by the bar tender. He is more than likely dominant in bed, I can tell by the power tie that has been loosened to lay down on his white cotton dress shirt and the way his sleeves are rolled up to his middle forearm. Gray slacks, black belt, and dress shoes complete his business man attire. He must not be from around here because the only guys that dress so nicely in this bar are the Mormons who try to convert everyone on lingerie night. 

I am very excited about this and plan on making a few copies for a select few people.
Wish me luck!!!

K. Lucas

The Bedside Blogger #17 NSFW

I'm back! Since I got such a great response with my last little sexually creative tidbit, I have decided to give you another one. Hopefully I've gotten a little better since then. 

Cal was never the strongest or bravest guy I had known but there was always something about him, a pull of some sort that attracted me to him. On the thinner side he wasn't much to look at but he was witty and had eyes that could pierce the thickest soul and his smile was dazzling, crooked in a shy way but always full of confidence some how. We met in junior year of college, just friends at first, but I soon realized that he was perfect for me. Artsy, smart, and completely innocent. I wanted to corrupt him, teach him things that would push his comfort limits to the breaking point. 

I remember our first encounter very vividly; it was Christmas holiday and neither one of us wanted to go home for break, the dorms were almost empty, only a few foreign students and others who would rather stay at University to partake in the college party scene. It was my first white Christmas away from Colorado and I was feeling a little home sick all the way in Oklahoma. Cal was from a small town a few hundred miles away from University of Oklahoma, he had been dreaming of getting away from his family for years. When he came to my dorm room dressed in his red flannel pajama bottom and a white deep v-neck shirt holding a bottle of Vodka and a carton of eggnog I was pleasantly surprised. We had been introduced through our dorm mates who were currently hooking up on the occasional drunken night. We had never been alone with each other like this before so the first cup of spiked nog was a bit awkward but after the third and a game of scrabble we started giggling and joking around like old friends. 

Half way through our second game of increasingly naughty scrabble we decided to watch It's A Wonderful Life to break the growing tension. As we sat on the couch, him in his somehow sexy flannel pants and me in my Pink Nation shorts and top, some how cuddling began which eventually turned into spooning. My heart was pounding out of my chest with every one of his breathes that past by my ear. He was inching his hand down my side in no time at all, the butterflies in my stomach were restless, my mind was racing with questions. Was he doing this on purpose? Was he as nervous as I was? Did he just move his hand closer to my inner thigh?

The movies was agonizingly long and by the time it was half over I could barely contain myself, the tugging feeling in my stomach was achingly hard to ignore. I needed relief from his warm exhales now on my neck, I got up and excused my self to the bathroom. After splashing cold water on my face I made my mind up right then and there, I wanted him and he wanted me as well. Friends don't spoon or torture one another with subtle hand movements and moisture on their necks. When I entered the TV room again he was sitting up right to my disappointment, I sat next to him without giving away my subconscious let down. He glanced my way, I could feel his crystal blue eyes on my, watching my chest inhale and exhale sharply. Stop that! My inner voice wasn't happy with his mixed signals at all. I couldn't stop my eyes from traveling his way, and a moment later the room was silent as our eyes met, the air was staggeringly thick, I couldn't seem to catch my breathe. His scruffy face inched closer to mine, cocked to the side ever so slightly. When his lips touched mine they were warm and, as cliche as it would seemed, had taken my breath away. 

In seconds he had pulled me on to his lap, straddling him, his arms wrapped around my waist and kissing me with such intensity I thought my clothes would melt off. He stood up with such ease you would think I was made of only feathers, sexually charged feathers who's static clung to his body. He gently laid me down on my bed, my legs still wrapped around him only briefly until his hands started wandering up my shorts and shirt. Then, it was a race to see who could get the other persons clothes off quickest, all at once we were bare. His body on top of mine again, his hips between my legs. I reached for my night stand for a friendly foil wrapped life saver, I slipped the lubricated latex over him. Wow, I thought, didn't expect him to be so big! But, then again, I didn't expect to be doing this with him. 

My hands moved from his shaft to his lower back, giving him an encouraging pull towards me but he gave me resistance. He began to kiss me again, our tongues intertwining, as our lips started to part my teeth caught his bottom lip, he gave a sudden passionate moan and an unexpected thrust of whole self inside of me. "Oh God!" I let out. 

I was utterly dazed! He was deep inside of me, pushing against every wall, then he was pulling away but only for a moment until he was diving inside of me again. My whole body was quivering, with every one of his movements, sweat, either mine or his, soaked me. In a blink of an eye he had scooped me up from my lower back and rolled us over in one fluid motion. I was set on top of him, dizzy, I leaned down for our faces to meet. Kissing and grinding my hips to the rhythm of his hands passing from my thighs to my rear end. My body started to react to him, I felt myself building and filling with tension all over, from head to curled toes. His fingers were digging into my hips at this point, his body tensing, his breathing gaining and releasing barely audible grunts of pleasure. Then, he did it. Said the one thing that caused my whole body to unravel, one simple phrase caused me to climax as if on demand, "Thalia! Fuck!" 

Mountains moved, the heavens rained sweet angelic melodies, oceanic waves of ecstasy crashed down inside of me, filling me to the brim and over flowing my senses. Not skipping a beat his pelvis and hands took over till he joined me in my climatic winners circle. Breathing in unison, laying next to each other, sweat trickling down the sides of our bodies, I couldn't have began to imagine that this would have happen. But never the less, there we lay, in my bed together, our relationship forever changed. And, oh, the changes I would put him through. Poor guy never saw it coming. 

Reflecting on that evening now, I don't think it could have been any better. We slept with our arms wrapped around each other and in the morning had only a moment of awkwardness before we headed to IHOP for a triumphant breakfast. The path we have traveled together since that night has lead us to where we are today, it was rocky and a bit dramatic but I wouldn't walk it with anyone else. This is far from a love story,well, at least Disney never taught me that love could be expressed through bondage and kinky sex games. I suppose you can be the judge of that. 

To be continued....

The Bedside Blogger #16 "50 Shades of Fucked Up Indeed"

I finally finished reading Fifty Shades Of Grey last night. I have already bitched about how horribly written it was, how the characters are hollow and awkward and I could write a better erotic novel in my sleep. But, I have new opinions to add to my earlier ones; I now hate the fallowing words and phrases that James uses in Ana's inner monologue "blink(ing)", "sex" (used at an synonym for genitals), "he scolds/scolding", "Holy crap", "Oh no!", "Holy Moses", "he fills me... I'm going over the edge", and finally "delicious(ly)". This last one made me want to vomit by the last chapter, maybe I have been doing it right for all these years but I just don't find sex or anything else erotic to be "delicious"!! In fact, I looked up synonyms to "delicious" and I found about four words that she could have used every once in a while instead of using "delicious" ten times on every page!

Delightful. Luscious. Divine. Enticing. She could have used Yummy for goodness sake and not sounded like a first grader who is learning how to form real sentences for the second time! If I went through this book, chapter by chapter, and crossed out these words and phrases not only would the book be shorter but it would be much more bearable to read. Although, you would still be stuck reading the horrifically awkward conversations that the characters are having. Everyone is so stiff and old fashioned, aside from Grey when he is stabbing you with the F word in between using this girls name every second sentence. I can go on and on about how horrible the book is written so lets move forward to the plot of the book in general.

E L James... Why do you need this complicated contract nonsense to make a story interesting? In which you negate any damn way?!? Also, why the hell did this "love story" happen with in the course of two weeks? Week one she meets him, loses her virginity, goes on a date, gets abused and moves. Week two she goes on vacations, admits her love for him to herself and her family, gets a new job and breaks up with him after she tells him to beat her the way he really wants to. They both care about each other but she's a crazy, jealous, immature prude who asks way too many questions. She asks him the same questions through out the book, in which he answers every time, this is such a crazy girl thing that it pains me to share a gender with James and Ana. If girls are asking these questions it's no wonder so many of them are having to read this book for sexual content.

Erotic novels are about the action, so spending about six chapters talking about this magically sexy character is pointless and annoying! We get it! He's hot, rich, über kinky and fixated on this plain Jane. Move this shit along already! Furthermore, the sex in this book is not kinky, the idea of the "Red Room of Pain" is kinky, but the kinkiest the sex gets is vaginal beads and a riding crop. I don't consider her being tied up to be that kinky since that is a fairly normal sexual fantasy. So much is mentioned in the contract but never tried that it is pointless to even have used the Room to begin with. They have mostly "vanilla" sex through out different rooms of his and her apartments, and a hotel.

Now then, I am an amateur but, I'm fairly confident that I could make a pretty steamy first chapter with very little filler, I am going to prove that it isn't hard to write an erotic novel that is intelligent, well written, and kinky.

      Here I am again, my feet and hands bound by the searing chill of the aluminum cuffs, eyes draped with the silk mask, body bare and tender to the satin sheets on the bed below me. I can only hear his whispering breathes sweeping over my breast as he hovers, knees and hands indent into the mattress on either side of me. He's been teasing me for hours, days, weeks it feels. I am aching for him to touch me, wanting so badly to feel him press his lips to mine, I would do anything to feel him inside of me, and he know this. He is enjoying himself too much to stop my agony so soon. 

"Farah" his breath is so warm on my belly.
"Luca, please" is all I can muster up, I know he is smiling his devilish grin and things are about to get much worse for me. 

       His rugged forefinger softly glides over my collar bones, down my sternum to my belly, sweeps across my hips and is joined by his index finger above my pleasure button. I can't catch my breath, his fingers start to slowly circulate, finding my clitoris and enticing it with soft strokes. My hips try to mimic his fingers motions but he changes from clockwise to counter clockwise when they catch the rhythm. His torturous games have always been cruel, but he must be in an especially seductive mood this evening. 

"Farah, do you love me?", his voice is dripping with poisonous sexual tension. 
"Yes," I breath "I need you."

      The pressure of his fingers are heavier now, my stomach fills with intense excitement. After only a brief moment he stops, the anticipation of what he will do next is burning in my loins. Then, all at once, his mouth replaces where his fingers were. Hot, wet, expertly tonguing me. The feeling of his mouth opening and closing, his lips smooth and his scruffy facial hair against my sensitive lady parts throws me into ecstasy. I can only gasp for air as his hands hold my hips in place so that I can not escape or move, as if the cuffs would allow me to. He is loving this, he lets out a blissful sigh and I shiver underneath its weight. 

"Luca!" I can't take any more, I'm going to hit my climax at any second.

      His is all of the sudden on top of me, in side of me. Between my spread thighs I can feel the heat he has created and now he is spreading the heat through my whole body. His chest is now parallel to mine, my hard nipples are brushing against his muscular pecs. He's so close to me but I can't touch him, I want to run my finger nails down his back, hold his solid buttock so that he can fill me deeper. Even as I have him, I crave more, I am so greedy for his body. 

      His hard erection slides in and out of me with moderate friction, deep for a moment, the pause brings my body to a sensation I can only describe as sizzling, spicy, and tingly. After he pushes me so close to the edge he removes the pressure only slightly then deepens before he exits almost completely. I moan loudly, calling his name, his gruff voice breaths into my neck. Moist, humid moans fill my ears and I am lost in the moment right before I erupt into pure pleasure. The cuffs dig into my wrists as I struggle to withdraw myself, he continues to move inside of me, he wouldn't stop even if I begged him. This is it, the moment that has been building this whole time. Welling up and crashing down inside of me, every nerve in my body pulses. My body response to his so quickly that only a few seconds later I am shaking and sweating under him. He continues on, pushing, pulling, releasing. I can only lay here as I feel myself swelling around him, so sensitive and magical. His every motion throws me into an even further daze. I can finally feel him building, his body is tensing, voice becoming more grizzly, movements more jagged, thrusting himself inside of me only a few more times he comes and collapses gracefully on top of me. His sweat is sweet and cool against me, his muscles rippling from his intense moment of gratification. 

    He rolls away from me after a few moments, releasing me from my restraints. He draws me into his arms as I pull off the mask. Both of us panting from orgasm, all I can hear is the blood pounding in my ears and his husky breathing. The room is dark but I can make out his sculpted body as my eyes adjust to the moon light coming through the window. Lying there, drenched in sweat and basking in the after glow of love making he kisses me, his lips are cool and damp. 
"Wow... That was... wow" I blush and flash an accomplished almost cocky smile up at him.
"Mmhmm" is all I can reply with, I am so spent. I close my eyes as he grabs a blanket from the end of the bed, in no time I am sleeping. 

To be continued... ?